Vlad "The Mad Man" Putin cracks down on critics in Russia
April 24, 2017
Democratically elected President of Totally not the Soviet Union Russia Grabamirror Pootis has placed a new ban on any images or parody accounts depicting him as a straight man. After the image show above was released on a popular Russian social network WeArentMissriable.help Grabamirror has since stated that that image goes against everything he stands for. He has said that the picture depicting him in a totally not fabulous way is now considered an extremist act.
As news of this ban spread across the globe many people have come forward with new images showing Pootis as a stereotypical straight male doing all sorts of embarrassing things like playing football, or not wearing copious amounts of make up. Following this ban Pootis has put his top spy agency the BGK hunting anywho post such images. Here at the site.xyz we don't need to worry because we know what to look for: Clowns. Along with the ban all government officials in Russia must now dress like clowns, this includes spies and literally everyone employed by the government of Russia.
Donald Trumpet increases defense spending to finance new giant robot project
April 12, 2017
God Emperor Supreme (Praise his name) Donald Trumpet released his newest 2018 budget proposal this week, including among other things : Dismantling the EPA and using the money to increase the national defense budget. Along with money being used to purchase dozens of new F-35 fighter jets, it is also being used to finance a new sector of the military dedicated to building giant robots.
The Glorious Leader explained his reasoning during a press conference, saying : "We are overdue for an alien invasion! I was shown a classified document that said that an alien invasion will take place in this administration's lifetime!". The new program, which is set to be separate from any other branch of the US Military, is known as NERVE, which stands for Never Ever tRading with Villainous aliEns. Speculation has lead some to believe that the "Classified Document" Chief Ubermensh Trumpet was referring to was actually a copy of the film TRANSFORMERS 2.
Vice Glorious Leader Mike Pants later commented that "Shock therapy may be an option for individuals who choose not to get in the f*$#ing robot".
House and Senate vote against internet privacy bill, The-Site.xyz is cited as primary target.
March 29, 2017
This past tuesday, the House of Representatives voted on a bill undoing FCC privacy regulation regarding internet search history. This law now allows ISP (Internet Service Providers) to sell user information that passes through their networks.
This is clearly an attack on The-Site.xyz and our pattented TRUTH TELLING procedures. The-Site.xyz is the only place on the internet for 100% real (not fake) news and companies like ATT, Verizon, T-Mobile and FAST WEB NEBRASKA(TM) are using this bill to stop us from telling the people what they want to hear.
On Wednesday God-Emperor [praise his name] Donald Trumpet made a statement regarding the legislation : "Finally we can have full control over all communications that the CIA, FBI, and NSA couldn't already have gotten for us!". Vice God-Emperor [praise his name] Mike Pants also said : "We have been looking into shock therapy for individuals who choose to use https and VPNs to encrypt and keep their browsing private".
Donald Trumpet drafts Executive order to ban Anime
February 23, 2017
After a document leaked last week, Donald Trumpet has announced his plans to sign an executive order outlawing all forms of Anime in the United States. This order follows Mr. Trumpet's pledge on the campaign trail to ban all Chinese Cartoons and nationalize the Cartoon Network. South Korea and Japan have begun opening their borders to weeaboo refugees fleeing the order.
In a press conference yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean "Spicy Boy" Spicer defended the proclamation to reporters. Mr. Spicer said that "Sailor Moon is better off in the trash than on our children's television screens" and asked "Why are all you fully grown men so angry about cartoons?".
Later on, VP Mike Pants told reporters that he had been discussing the option of shock therapy for avowed anime fans with the Attorney General. Mr Pants said : "A fandom like this is un-American, it's unnatural and should be treated like the abomination that it is".
There have already been unconfirmed reports of our local chad, Benjie Cougar having his entire supply of Corie in the House DVDs seized. We were unable to get a statement from Mr. Cougar as he has not been seen since the seizure of his DvD's and body pillows. The-Site.xyz's senior editor, Yogurt has also gone missing, releasing a statement several days later stating that "You will get my Cowboy Bebop DVDs when you pry them from my cold dead hands!"
Eddie Vedder contests election, claims he won the popular vote and electoral vote and that the system is rigged
February 6, 2017
Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam star and Presidential Canidate which the The-Site.xyz had endorsed is now claiming that the 2016 presidential election has been “rigged” and that he won the popular vote by at least 20 million votes. He claims that loyal fans votes have been tossed to avoid him from winning. We caught with one fan an english teacher going by Bernadete stakhov in Cleveland Town Ohio who says she voted at least 400,000 times for the talented musician and that “There is no way he could have lost as EV4C group (Eddie Vedder 4 Chancellor) did our own independent study of the voting process and discovered Eddie Vedder had at least 500 million votes compared to negative 300 million for Donald Trumpet and 4 votes for Hintoris Clintoring.
Bill Maher threatens that his nose will grow until Donald Trumpet is Impeached
January 27, 2017
Popular HBO talk show host and militant marijuana advocate Bill Maher has made made a shocking announcement in the wake of Donald Trumpet's presidential inauguration. Mr. Maher has stated that until Mr. Trumpet is impeached and removed from office of president of the United States his nose will grow in size by 2% per day. Maher has been threatening similar stunts since the late 90's.
If Maher does indeed carry this out it is estimated that it could be a threat to national security some experts say. The lobes of Maher's nose already measures in at 7 inches in diameter and by the end of 100 days it could possibly cover a quarter of the western seaboard. Maher's nose has been considered a threat previously but never on this scale, in 2014 he and his nose were charged with aggravated assault after an altercation with Ben Affleck.
2016 has been quite the year. From the Meme Wars, to the Presidential Election, to the 50,000 celebrities that died, 2016 was a year most of us would like to forget; in honor of that, THE-SITE has created a proper eulogy for this Jurassic Park 4 (read 'big disappointment') of a year.
The event that shocked most of the country into 2016 was the Haralumbine Massacre in Cincinnati, Australia. An honest, hardworking, silverback gorilla was shot to death in what was described as "A preventative measure" to protect a child from the harmless, 2000 pound gentle giant. Controversy exploded when several witnesses claimed to have heard more than one shot at the scene. Many of the witnesses claimed that the shot did not come from the Cincinnati Zoo workers but instead from a farther off "grassy knoll". Bee Larvae Moswald, the Zoo worker who shot our Lord and Savior (praise his name) Harambe, said "I am just a patsy, I am being framed...I did not shoot the gorilla".
Later in the year, rationality advocates were shocked and triggered when the European Union recognized 571 new genders that citizens could identify as. The genders include but are not limited to : Male, Female, 'Hillary Clinton’s Emails', Tumblr, 'San Francisco', Giraffe, 'Apache Attack Helicopter', 'Whatever gets me out of trouble', 'IT'S NOT A PHASE, DAD!', 'Quaq-Demi-Homo-Meta-Metrostan', and 'The living embodiment of a lack of self awareness'.
The-Site.xyz Awards 2016
Publicly Traded Country of the Year : Niantic
Dingus of the Year : Austin P. Berger III
Biggest waste of money : IPhone 7
Game of the Year: Half-Life 2: Episode 2 : Part 2
Film of the Year : Chef
Year Score 3/10, 4/10 with rice. Would not year again.
Donald Trumpet Wins; Country Begins 7 Stages of Grief
November 10, 2016
Tuesday night, Republican presidential candidate DONALD TRUMPET and his running mate, MIKE PANTS cinched a victory over Hintoris Clintoring. Mr. Trumpet vowed that on his first day in office he would "Grab Mexico by the [genitalia] and force them to build a wall between the USA and Mexico".
His funning on a bunning while running mate, Mike Pants, vowed to dismantle the EPA. Mr. Pants said that "Global Warming is just a prank, bro."
This news is unexpected because every other 'So called' news source in the world is reportedly reporting that Hintoris Clintoring has actually won the election. This however is just another case of the LIBERAL MEDIA trying to skew your opinion of the facts towards their golden girl.
EDDIE VEDDER PREDICTED TO WIN BY LANDSLIDE IN 47 STATES
November 3, 2016
After performing at the MLB World Series, independent presidential candidate Eddie Vedder has been soaring in the polls far past his opponents Donald Trumpet and Hintoris Clintoring. A poll released by the associated press on Friday shows that Vedder has strong support among almost all conceivable majority and minority groups.
On Tuesday November 8th, millions of Americans are expected to go to the polls to cast their votes in what has undoubtedly been the most unprecedented presidential campaign season in the past four years. The Vedder/Harambe ticket is expected to poll well among everyone with the exception of those who still like "Creed" and other post-grunge artists.
Jesus Christ set to star in new Television Series on CNBC
With aplologies to Marcus Lemonies
October 20, 2016
CNBC has announced this week that a new weekly series known as "The Prophet" will be added to it's fall television lineup. The Prophet is a reality series starring well known figure Jesus Christ in his endeavor to help small religions grow and prosper in the 21st century. Each weekly episode will see Mr. Christ traveling around the world to meet and work with struggling religious leaders in an effort to help them expand the reach of their faiths in their communities. This return to the public eye has been surprising for some after Mr. Christ seemingly retired from showbusiness years ago after an altercation with his former manager Judas Iscariot.
The-site.xyz would like to take this moment to remind you that all that we publish is entirely in jest.
On this day, this "man", Kevin Dnapp (silent D) has made it "Facebook official" with his relationship with Sahara Rooooooof-A-Ford, which happens to be the sister of the football team captain's little sister...
He done messed up.
Piglet Rooooooof-A-Ford, the Captain of the football team, is not happy about this discovery. This local reporter overheard Piglet in a heated discussion with the local media, and I quote,
"If I wasn't a Captain, Kevin would be [multiple expletives omitted]."
Kevin now wants to mend the tenderness behind Piglet's newfound anger, let bygones be bygones, as they say. We caught up with Kevin and got a few words from him, "I can't wait to see him in the hall and shout brother!" and "I just want to make it to homecoming without dying."
So when the time comes, Kevin Dnapp, may be no more. "Good riddance." says one local. "I can't wait till they have thanksgiving together, and Kevin ask Piglet to stop hogging all the ham." says another local. So that is the story of how the local imbecil managed to cut his life short. So to all those swingers out there, a word of advice, don't be going for a "homerun" with the football Captain's sister..
Beloved Meme accused of Supporting White Supremacy
September 13, 2016
Pepe the frog. Internet meme. Character of the comic "Boy's Club". And now, white supremacist symbol.
I'm not making this up.
This is real
Look, we here at The-Site.xyz post a lot of stupid crap. Almost all of it is made up as a joke for quick laughs to make fun of news organizations like Buzzfeed and Vox. This however is real news that actually happened. A link to sources will be included below.
CNN, NBC, and HillaryClinton.com have all claimed that Pepe the frog is a white supremacist symbol after Donald Trump Jr. posted an image to his social media featuring Donald Trump next to Pepe the frog.
"Prominently featured over Trump's right shoulder: popular white nationalist symbol, Pepe the Frog." Claims NBC
That's Trump's LEFT shoulder, by the way.
What these NORMIES don't seem to understand is that Pepe is a character that can be applied to anything. Pepe is a symbol of a lot of things but no one thing in particular. This is the beauty of the internet, that information from all around the world can be shared among people in so many different ways. Trying to associate something like this with a lone and somewhat recent movement (Pepe has been around since 2004, the alt-right only started gaining public attention in the past few years) shows a distinct lack of understanding on part of these INTERNATIONALY RECOGNIZED JOURNALISTS and aids of a CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
This isn't a matter of somebody with misinformation, this is people who hold significant influence trying to fearmonger among people who are unfamiliar with modern forms of communication.
We here at The-Site do not officially support a candinate for any political office. We would if there was one worth standing behind. (Not counting Eddie Vedder)
The-Site.xyz editors escape from government prison
September 8, 2016
The-site.xyz, your trusted and reliable source for all the things that the LIBERAL MEDIA does not want you to see announces today that we will have made our triumphant return to the anals of the Internet.
After escaping from a secret government prison located in [REDACTED], Idaho, we are going to be continuing our crusade to provide you, our humble readers, with the highest quality meme entertainment.
Be on the lookout in the comming weeks for explosive new stories that the Government, the Media, and Michael Moore don't want you to see!
The-site.xyz, your number one stop for escaping the lies of the liberal media is announcing today that we will be taking a hiatus unil September of 2016. From now to then, little if any content should be expected and no new articles are scheduled to be published.
A local religious radical Collin Schramm is going on the offensive this spring. This Collin claims to be a prophet who represents every known religion on earth, as well as several alien ones. Collin is seen moving towards large crowds of people who gather to hear him preach about his good news. The crowds usually laugh, and regard this man as nothing more than lunatic who escaped from his cell, but the truth is far more sinister. Collin has been baptising large crowds of people into his faith against their will. He carries with him a strange liquid he claims is holy water, and will splash it on the crowds at random.
Collin's church, the First Church of Fish Sticks is located at the intersection of 23rd street and Adam's Ave. It's a cardboard box with magic marker all over it, you can't miss it.
This month's clunker of the month is Randalph the Grey's Party Mobile. Clocking in at 109,000,000 miles this beast would scare away even Mad Max; Probably because the seatbelts don't always work and the engine light is always on.
When asked for comment, Randalph said: "It may not look like much but it once made the long haul of 5 miles without any of the dashboard lights coming on!"
Randy is currently selling his beloved truck on craigslist for -$1000. -$1000 as in he will pay you up to $1000 to take it off his hands, rats included.
This article was written by Khris P. Khreme
March 21, 2016
Accomplished Tetris veteran, Randalf the Grey, has claimed the title of world's worst Tetris of 2016. He received the score of 46 points 4 times throughout his career and continues to push for his goal of a lower score.
Randalf's success came from a drive of competition. He says that he wanted to beat Jackie Jungle Jim at Tetris in some form. He decided that the lowest score for one Tetris game would be a perfect way to beat the competition.
The-Site asked the question: "Who is your inspiration and why?" Randalf responded "My inspiration comes from the failed and then successful career of Dane Cook. It relates to my goals because Dane Cook is good at telling bad jokes. I'm good at getting bad scores so it just fit!"
Local Sexual Deviant Skips Leg Day for 254 Days Straight
This article was written by THE KEISTER
March 15, 2016
Benjie Krueger, a local chad accomplished an impressive feat on Tuesday as he skipped "Leg Day" for the 254th day in a row. Benjie lifts weights about three-four times a week and does a wide variety of exercises. None of these exercises, however, involve the use of one's legs. Somehow, Ben has managed to maintain an impressive exercise regimen without the implementation of any lower body oriented lifts.
When asked about his historic accomplishment Krueger said, "It took a lot of work to avoid leg day for this long, I guess hard work pays off. Some guys are upper body oriented in their lifts, but I've taken it to a new extreme. My goal is to someday live a lifestyle in which I completely eliminate usage of my lower body." The previous record holder, Ric Flair, could not be contacted for an interview but expressed his sincerest congratulations to Benjamin.
When interviewed, Benjamin's father Max Kuplic was deeply concerned for his son's well being. Kuplic said, "My son was always a bit girly and liked anime a LOT, but I never thought he'd become an upper body crazed weight lifting enthusiast."
Bernie Sanders, Democratic politician and 2016 presidential candidate, has announced today that he is a lyrical genius. Most people know him as the "boring" and "crazy" democratic candidate for presidency, but he has a secret life in between his speeches and debates. He is an underground rapper that busts a rhyme all the time.
There is no doubt he has a lot of talent, but why is he running for president? THE-SITE.XYX asked this question to him and he responded
"Yo, how else am I supposed to promote my mixtape dawg? Ey yo I'm spittin real fire on this man."
A local individual going by the name "Josh" united the town's band his amazing feats a heroism. During a varsity basketball game a chant referring to this mysterious Josh ignited calling him or her "MVP" or simply repeating his name.
We only have this one unclear photo of the mysterious Josh, but it sure that their name that will go down in history.
When THE-SITE.xyz reached out to Josh, they siad: "The-site.xyz sounds like a website that gives you viruses. Don't use an actual picture of my face you morons"
Local Hero, Max "Filth" Cuplick took on the greatest endevor of his young life today. Durring a stroke of genius by Mr. Catlap, he took a bundle of 7 simi-ripe banannas and began to consume them for what was described as "the lolz".
When THE-SITE.XYZ reached out to Mr. Cruplup, he said "Mhnf hunf, hurk borg, murm gurm" because his mouth was still filled with the aforementioned bannanas.
We here at the site would like to extend our sincerest congradulations to to Max and reccomend him for the Nobel Peace Prize and The Medal Of Honor.